overwhelmed.. enough said

two assignments due tonight :(

First Cuts

They say the first cut is the deepest. I believe it completely. I keep contemplating as to whether I should be the one to call him back or wait for him to call him back, so I have been seeking spiritual help. Hopefully after a week I will be calm enough to understand and evaluate what has been happening with me.....
a few other questions have been tangling my mind also:
- Write the GMAT?
-Write an Email to two Professors thanking them for their help
-MEd or MMPA... I'm confused

"O Allah! I seek goodness from Your Knowledge and with Your Power (and Might) I seek strength, and I ask from You Your Great Blessings, because You have the Power and I do not have the power. You Know everything and I do not know, and You have knowledge of the unseen. "

Perfectly described my feelings

In a Daze I walk around in a daze...
my hollowed out interior
filled with smoky gloom,
choking off all joy.
Just as life begins to clear,
I gasp aloud at the realization,
you’re not here;
you never will be again.
I wilt like a waterlily
in the desert.
I walk around in a daze... By Joanna Fuchs

My journey into a finding myself. and so on this journey I will be depending on:
Good friends
Books
A Job


yes I did fall for him, i regret so many things. but then again dont we all.
i now have a Bachelors degree my next step is to get a masters degree and be stable.....

In regards to marrying I am worried but then again doesn't God have something for all of us. Are we not all destined to meet the right people, to marry the right people. God has his own way of figuring things out for us. So I now need to begin a schedule of things I will do . 

Continuation

And so its 5am and I've been up since 4am . ... Have not yet completed the essay that I was talking about for today...
....Maybe I should.

I hate to procrastinate but its so hard to stop..  you know what I mean ;)

A Day of Many Returns

So I've noticed I write in the blog on sad days but today is a good day. Not a fabulous day but better than average day.
I'm planning on finishing my essay tonight (Sunday), and finish the exam studying tomorrow(Monday)
write the test on tuesday :) with the presentations.
And on Wednesday and Thursday and Friday study hard core for GMAT.
also on the weekends :) that way ill be ready by the 11th of April.

:) Morning thoughts

what I'm thankful for:

mornings (love that feeling of waking up for a fresh new day :))
breakfasts (my favourite meal of the day )
getting ready (mmmmm)

Imaginary Space

The importance of personal space can only be seen when one is deprived of that personal space. I notice it is quite hard for me to work when I am sad. Because if I had personal space I would do as follows:

Go to my room and be sad, cry a little and then go to bed 

Then I would sleep till 5am

Wake up and continue to write in the feminism journal 

And then do my other work as in thinking about and preparing for the essay. 

Since currently I don’t have a space to go to so I will do the following:

I will brush my teeth

Change my clothes 

Go to bed with grama (eww is quite hard to b in the same room with someone you cant stand for long)

Wake up around 4am 

Continue work. But cannot cry :( 

The not crying part sucks because it deprives me of the satisfaction that you get after you cry. 

Dear Inspiration,

So after many years, I have finally gained my concentration and I have sat continually to work on a project, usually I keep procrastinating but something that someone said has really inspired me to continue working and make sure I get admitted into a grad program.

What was said?

" You know ill admit it you are boring, and we usually don’t have exciting plans anymore, and the way u used to be in the beginning u r not like that anymore. You continually nag me and I think you are going to be like any old school wife-- I think we are losing the ‘charm’

Me- and what do you think about yourself?

Well I know I’ve changed and I like spending time in the car as well nothing exciting and I always just want to get between your legs and you know you always want to spend time connecting first, and you try to play hard to get-- its quite you know -- like typical wife----- but I still want to marry you"

And what I thought:

Gee thanks, I’m so lucky to have a jackass like you eh. And you were the guy I thought I wanted to marry. I think that might not be the case any more... what benefit have I gotten from you?

And many times like this one included I "work" to make this relationship better. I question so I can correct. I think its time you did the same... 

Because I've got a life of my own and I’m going to get into grad school and run my own life here. 

So thanks for inspiring me to think of you as a jerk in my life as a person I can use when I need to. The less I use you or contact you the better I will feel. 

From this day onwards I’ll take the saying "a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle" to heart and I can STOP thinking of you :) 

watching what I eat

Breakfast
-oatmeal
-1/2 cup milk
-tea
-1 hard-boiled egg

Lunch 
-1/2 cup vegetables
-1 cup whole wheat pasta
-1/2 cup tomato sauce
-shrimp

Snack 
-1/2 country style muffin
-latte
-1 apple
-chocolate wafer sticks
-2 pieces gum

Water
- 3 cups

     Its now 6:30 so not sure what I will have for dinner.

colonizing the body

And so what have I removed from my list?

- the email to supervisor
-the AAC brochure
-the email for a reference letter

the BF left around 3pm and then had class till 5 and then got angry at the sis for arriving at 5:15pm..... damn the sadness

from a feminist perspective what i learned today :

Agency can always exits no matter what the context...
 the interesting yet disturbing parallelism between the "blackman" and the "muslimwoman" -- i wrote then as one words purposely..

its as if saving the muslim woman from her religion and her men is like colonizing her body

12:50-- procrastination

talked to the BF till 11:34

started to do AAC brochure

Texted to friends

finally JUST send email of AAC brochure .... still got TONs to do

and now BF is here and wants a chicken sandwich from Tim's 

The life of a procrastinator

so its 11am, here is a list of things I should be done by 3pm (before my class starts)

- the AAC brochure
-email the brochure to my supervisor
-also email all the articles i have saved from my philosophy research
- email for my reference letter
- finish all those journals i have to write from the past to month (A record of the work I have done related to feminism)

and yes I am a feminist-- studying feminism :P

I plan on posting every so as to keep track of what I have done.. so here goes 

The Inner Desires

So I have to make the life I live mine.... how?

To be direct at all times 

Try really hard 

Do not swear at people, not even under my breath (hopefully that will make me look at things I dread doing in a positive light)

Sometimes I wonder whether being the "good girl” is the way to go

Why does lack of money make one sad and angry?

Is money really that important?

What I realized----- its not money I care about, its the feeling that people that matter to me have viewed others as more important to me and they spend their money on them. Why is it that if one doesn't spend money on you, u feel less worthy? Why is it that we want to find that special someone that spoils us? And treats us like a prince or princess? 

Interesting eh. Our psyche is so dependent sometimes

untitled

why? why have u made me into such an angry woman.

-one that hates the ups and down of life.

-one that absorbs her self into her books as an escape from her life

-one that uses a relationship as an escape and expects the one she is with to treat her like an angle and to provide her with everything--- such expectancy is not only unrealistic but also too much for the other person, usually leading to cheating, a desire to leave, feeling over burdened, and forced to give so much by the partner.

- one that hates life , thinks that you don't love her, thinks that u have wronged her

-one that begins to leave to exit to hide from the world and seek refuge in the wrong things and peopl

-one that gets sooo angryy and cannot concentrate

- one that loses focus

-one that doesn't trust anyone but her self and so feels only she can do things right

- one that comes back to "fix" things at the expense of her own happiness-->


 but its not true . she cant fix everything and u know that... then why do u make me feel all theses things and lead me on?

why?

As soon as I viewed the published post that I just wrote.. I realized the purpose and inspiration of this blog: to grow and to develop into your own being. 

And to jump over the rocks and hurdles in life ....... so how am i gonna overcome this sadness and sorrow---- it feels like a blanket---- but i think i m going to jump over it all and smile and dance .... 

BUT HOW????

my next post 

The sorrows of life

Another blog eh...... so I'm hanging out in Pakistan... apparently on vacay..

How is it a vacay when I got an essay due the 17th,... and my BF  is pretty upset with me over?

Currently I'm pretty confused about everything, the BF, the life,  the options, the work, even the vacay doesn't seem like a vacation... life just seems dull and sad... and un colourful.. 

its an upsetting moment and phase in my life ... TOTALLY SAD :( hating this vacation that i was supposed to enjoy..

the knowledge

and so it begins or appears to begin..... angry because i did not treat his friend well, because i spoke my mind. but what about me? he said the he liked us better before, he said that he wasn't attracted to me like before, accused me of unethical things----- what about all that hurt?
I wonder where the empathy is in his heart, where the understanding is. if the veil of his ego will ever be lifted over his head. he purposely makes my look bad. And he has this way that he portrays me in front of his friends---- its terrible. I now know I must move on, I am not ready to talk. Not yet

To be a boy or to not be a girl?

Today, as I was procrastinating to do may two essay that are dues next Monday the 29, a presentation due the 23rd, a major exam on the 25th and all in time to prepare for my flight for the 28th, I came upon a 2007 cover of vogue Paris. Ooo André j, I hadn't heard of him/her until now, and I’m studying sexuality. Interesting eh. I think he really needs to be checked out by all. But especially I need to get over this procrastination.... ahhhhhh God help me.

PS  I bought my Mac book air today, and got it modified with a 4GB, I’m going to pick it up this Tuesday :)

Andre J- Vouge paris cover (2007)

My first blog ever :)

An unfortunate event actually inspired me to start this blog. Maybe I’ll get to the details some other day, or maybe I won’t even remember. The purpose of the blog is anything and or everything related to my life. I hope to contribute something whenever I can. The purpose is not really for others to read but more for reflection.
Currently I'm reading the book Infidelity by Ann Pearlman. It’s quite interesting and reminds me of the imperfections of marriage. And there are many of those. And that is why I am not really interested in getting married, just interested in loving my life as boring, messed up, purposeless it is.

The name of the blog is Latin and translated in English. The title is inspired by the writer Adrienne Rich. She calls the erotic as power, suggesting that the life if any woman is erotic in its own way and empowering. So I'm aiming to find the empowerment in living life my way.


AR